Navigating Grief During the Holidays: From A Grief Therapist
The holiday season is often associated with joy, connection, and traditions—but for those grieving a loss, it can also amplify feelings of sadness, longing, and emotional overwhelm. As a grief therapist, I’ve witnessed how the holidays can magnify the absence of a loved one, making an already challenging season feel nearly unbearable. Grief shows up in various ways, touching every facet of our being—emotional, cognitive, behavioral, social, spiritual, and physical. Understanding how these aspects manifest during the holidays, and learning how to care for yourself within them, can make a significant difference in your experience.
the holidays can magnify the absence of a loved one, making an already challenging season feel nearly unbearable
How Grief Manifests
Grief during the holidays often intensifies across these areas:
Emotional Reactions
Grief can heighten feelings of sadness, loneliness, anger, guilt, or numbness. The juxtaposition of personal loss against the backdrop of societal celebration may deepen emotional pain.Cognitive Reactions
You might experience confusion, forgetfulness, or difficulty concentrating. Overwhelming thoughts, memories, or the "what-ifs" surrounding your loved one’s absence are common.Behavioral Reactions
Changes in sleep, appetite, or energy levels may occur. Some people withdraw or avoid holiday traditions altogether, while others might overextend themselves in an attempt to escape the pain.Social Reactions
Grief can complicate relationships, especially during family gatherings. Some people feel pressure to “perform” holiday cheer, while others struggle with isolation or feeling misunderstood.Spiritual Reactions
Questions about faith, purpose, or the meaning of life can intensify. Holidays, often steeped in religious or spiritual rituals, might bring both comfort and conflict.Physical Reactions
Grief often takes a toll on the body, resulting in fatigue, headaches, or physical tension.
Actionable Ways to Care for Yourself
Caring for yourself during the holidays begins with recognizing your unique needs and giving yourself permission to honor them.
1. Set Boundaries and Say No
It’s okay to decline invitations or traditions that feel too overwhelming. Practice saying, “Thank you for understanding that this year, I need to approach the holidays differently.”
2. Invest in What Matters Most
Identify one or two traditions or activities that feel meaningful, and let go of the rest. This might be as simple as putting up one special decoration or spending time with someone who truly supports you.
3. Rehearse Your Boundaries in Advance
Anticipating moments that might feel challenging can help you feel prepared. Consider rehearsing phrases like:
“I’m not ready to talk about that right now.”
“I’d love to spend time with you, but I can only stay until the meal is over this year.”
If you’d like to invite others to share in your grief, try:“I’d love to hear stories about my mom today.”
“I’d like to include my son in our gathering—please feel free to ask me about him.”
4. Allow Yourself to Adjust Traditions
You don’t have to uphold every tradition the same way you always have. Changing or pausing certain customs doesn’t mean they’re gone forever—it’s okay to revisit them in the future when it feels right.
5. Meet Your Needs Today
Tune into what you need moment by moment. That might mean stepping away from a gathering for a quiet break or taking a walk to ground yourself.
6. Travel or Stay?
Should you just leave town to avoid holiday grief? While a change of scenery can sometimes be helpful, it’s important to remember that grief travels with us. There’s no perfect location that will erase the pain. Consider whether traveling aligns with your needs or feels like avoidance, and make your decision from a place of self-compassion.
Self-Care Recommendations for the Holidays
Create Time for Reflection: Journaling or meditating can help you process emotions.
Build a Support Plan: Share your needs and concerns with a trusted friend or therapist.
Pace Yourself: Schedule downtime between social commitments.
Engage in Soothing Activities: Listen to music, take a warm bath, or spend time in nature.
Limit Stressors: Simplify holiday responsibilities, like meal preparation or gift-giving.
Your grief is as unique as your fingerprint. Slow down to reflect on what YOUR needs are this holiday season.
Ways to Memorialize and Include Your Loved One
Incorporating your loved one’s memory into holiday traditions can provide comfort and connection. Here are a few ideas:
Light a candle in their honor.
Create a playlist of songs that remind you of them.
Cook a favorite dish they enjoyed.
Hang an ornament or decoration that symbolizes your bond.
Write them a letter expressing your feelings.
Donate to a cause or charity in their name.
Grief Within Family Systems
Grief is deeply personal, and each family member will experience it in their own way. While one person might crave togetherness, another might need solitude. Navigating these differences can be challenging.
Take time as a family to reflect on:
What each person is feeling.
How they would like to honor the deceased.
What support looks like for them this season.
Open communication is key. If you’re someone who struggles with people-pleasing, remember that your needs matter, too. Express what feels manageable for you, and ask for understanding from loved ones.
A Gentle Reminder for the People Pleasers
If you find yourself saying “yes” to everything out of obligation, pause and ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel I should?” Grief is exhausting, and overcommitting will only deplete your energy further. Practice kind, firm boundaries like, “I can’t commit to that this year, but I appreciate the invitation.”
Seeking Support
Grief during the holidays can feel isolating, but you don’t have to face it alone. If you find yourself struggling, consider reaching out for support. I offer specialized therapy for grief and loss, and I’m here to help you navigate this difficult season. Schedule a free consultation with me to explore how we can work together to support your healing.
Even in the midst of grief, you deserve care, compassion, and moments of peace. Let’s work together to honor your loved one while also honoring your needs.
