How Do I Get Over Grief?
Grief is one of the most universal human experiences, yet it often feels isolating and confusing. Many people wonder, “How do I get over grief?” But the truth is, we don’t “get over” grief. Instead, we learn to live alongside it, grow with it, and find ways to integrate it into our lives. Grief changes us, but it does not mean life stops. This journey of transformation is deeply personal, nonlinear, and complex.
In this post, we’ll reframe the idea of “getting over” grief and explore tools and models to better understand and navigate your unique grief experience.
The Myth of the Five Stages of Grief
When people think about grief, they often recall the five stages of grief model introduced by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While this framework has become widely known, it was originally created to describe the emotional stages terminally ill patients experience as they face their own mortality. It wasn’t intended to be a roadmap for grieving the loss of a loved one.
Grief is messy
Grief does not follow a checklist. While our brains love to have a plan to help us feel in control, the reality of grief is it comes in waves, is unpredictable and is deeply painful. Grief doesn’t “go away” — but it does change over time.
Over time, the Stages of Grief model has been misinterpreted and applied to grief in ways that can feel limiting or even unhelpful. Many people feel pressure to “progress” through these stages, only to feel like they’re failing when their grief doesn’t fit neatly into a linear path.
Grief is not a checklist or a straight line. It is a deeply personal process that ebbs, flows, and evolves. Rather than thinking about stages to move through, it’s more helpful to think of grief as a journey — one that allows space for all the emotions, memories, and experiences that come with loss.
A More Supportive Framework: The Dual Process Model of Grief
Instead of trying to “move on” or “get over” grief, a more compassionate and realistic approach is the Dual Process Model of Grief. This model acknowledges that grieving is not just about feeling your loss but also about finding ways to adapt and live forward.
In the Dual Process Model, grief involves oscillating between two essential tasks:
Loss-Oriented Tasks
These are the moments when we face our grief head-on. It’s the raw, emotional work of mourning, remembering, and feeling the immense pain of the loss.Restoration-Oriented Tasks
These are the moments when we focus on rebuilding our lives. This might involve taking care of daily responsibilities, planning for the future, or even experiencing moments of joy.
Rather than expecting yourself to stay in one state of grieving or healing, this model encourages movement between the two. There will be days when the pain feels overwhelming and others when you find yourself laughing with friends or making plans for the future. Both are crucial parts of the healing process.
Grief is not linear; it comes in waves.
The Waves of Grief
Grief is not linear; it comes in waves. You may experience periods of relative peace, only to be knocked off your feet by a powerful wave of sorrow. These waves can be triggered by holidays, anniversaries, milestones, or unexpected reminders.
For example, the anniversary of a loved one’s passing or their favorite holiday might bring a surge of grief, even if you’ve been feeling more stable. This is normal. It doesn’t mean you’re “going backward” in your healing—it’s simply part of how grief works.
Over time, these waves may become less frequent or less intense, but they may never disappear entirely. The goal isn’t to stop the waves from coming but to learn how to navigate them when they do.
How Grief Changes Over Time
In the early days of grief, the pain often feels overwhelming, consuming, and unmanageable. You may feel like you’re carrying an unbearable weight that’s impossible to hold. During this time, even small tasks like getting out of bed or making a meal can feel monumental.
As time passes, your relationship with grief may shift. The intensity may lessen, and you may find ways to carry it with you more easefully. This doesn’t mean your grief is gone or that your loss is any less significant. It simply means you’ve found ways to adapt and integrate the loss into your life.
In time, you may also begin to make meaning out of your grief. This is a deeply personal process that looks different for everyone. For some, it might involve honoring a loved one through traditions or creating something in their memory. For others, it might mean finding ways to use their experience to help others or discovering a renewed sense of purpose.
Finding Balance: Living Forward While Honoring Your Loss
One of the most challenging aspects of grief is finding balance. How do you continue to honor your loss while also embracing life? The answer lies in giving yourself permission to do both.
You can:
Allow yourself to feel the depths of your sadness.
Find moments of joy and connection without guilt.
Plan for a future that includes your grief, rather than trying to leave it behind.
Grieving is not about forgetting your loved one or “moving on.” It’s about moving forward with them still in your heart.
How a Grief Specialist Can Support You
Grief is a unique and personal journey, but that doesn’t mean you have to navigate it alone. As a grief specialist, I understand how overwhelming and isolating grief can feel. That’s why I offer personalized grief intensives designed to help you explore, process, and make meaning of your loss.
During a grief intensive, we’ll create space for you to:
Fully feel and process the emotions of your grief.
Explore the ways your grief shows up in your life.
Develop tools and strategies for living forward while honoring your loss.
Navigate triggers like anniversaries, holidays, and milestones with greater ease.
Whether your loss is recent or something you’ve carried for years, a grief intensive can be a powerful way to deepen your healing and create a life that honors both your pain and your resilience.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
Grief is hard, but you don’t have to carry it by yourself. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, stuck, or unsure of how to move forward, I invite you to schedule a grief intensive with me. As a grief specialist, I know it can feel overwhelming to reach out for support. Together, we’ll create a safe, supportive space for you to explore your grief, honor your loss, and find ways to live forward with meaning and purpose.
You don’t need to “get over” your grief. You just need someone to walk alongside you on the journey. Let’s take that first step together.
To schedule a grief intensive or learn more, please reach out. I’m here to support you.
