Women and Anger: The Pressure of Unexpressed Emotions
As a therapist, I often see women struggling with the emotion of anger. For many, anger is a complex and even foreign feeling, one they’ve been conditioned to avoid or suppress. From a young age, many women learn to hide feelings of disappointment, irritation, and anger to conform to expectations of being "good" or "pleasant." These emotions, when unexpressed, don’t disappear—they build. They sit beneath the surface like air being blown into a balloon, expanding slowly until one day the balloon is too full to contain any more. At that point, something has to give.
Anger is one of the most natural human emotions, yet many of us were taught in childhood that it’s not okay to feel or express it. Perhaps you were told that being angry is "unladylike" or that you should "be nice" or "let it go." Over time, these messages about anger lead to a learned pattern of suppression. The problem is that emotions don’t simply go away because we suppress them. Suppressed emotions still exist within us, and much like air in a balloon, they accumulate.
“From a young age, many women learn to hide feelings of disappointment, irritation, and anger to conform to expectations of being “good” or “pleasant.””
Imagine blowing up a balloon—each unexpressed frustration, each unmet need, each disappointment adds air. At some point, we all know that continuing to blow air into a balloon will cause it to pop. Similarly, if we continuously suppress our anger, it will eventually demand to be released, sometimes in unexpected and often uncontrolled ways. When the balloon pops, our reaction can feel completely out of proportion to the immediate situation. This kind of outburst can catch us off guard, leaving us feeling embarrassed, ashamed, and out of alignment with our values. I frequently hear moms lament “this isn’t the kind of mom that I want to be.” But the explosion wasn’t caused by that one event—it was the accumulation of so many unaddressed emotions, all coming to a head.
Forms of Communication: Passive, Passive-Aggressive, Assertive, and Aggressive
When dealing with unexpressed emotions like anger, it can be helpful to explore the main forms of communication—passive, passive-aggressive, aggressive, and assertive. Understanding these modes of expression can help us see how we might be interacting with our emotions and the world around us.
1. Passive Communication
Passive communication is when we avoid expressing our feelings altogether. We might think we’re being easygoing or avoiding conflict, but in reality, we’re suppressing our true feelings and needs. This often stems from a fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, or a desire to be liked. A woman who communicates passively might say, “It’s fine,” when something is very clearly not fine. Over time, this passivity contributes to the growing tension inside the figurative balloon.
2. Passive-Aggressive Communication
Passive-aggressive communication is a subtle form of expressing anger without directly stating what’s bothering us. This can show up as sarcasm, silent treatment, or backhanded compliments. We don’t say outright what’s upsetting us, but we drop hints or act in ways that make others feel like they’ve done something wrong without explaining what that is. This kind of communication can be particularly confusing for others and often leads to more miscommunication and frustration. While it may feel like a form of release, it’s ultimately ineffective in addressing the core issue.
3. Aggressive Communication
When we communicate aggressively, we often lash out. It might feel like we’re finally releasing all the tension in the balloon, but aggressive communication can come across as overpowering, hurtful, and disrespectful to others. It often leads to conflict and leaves us feeling disconnected from our core values. Aggression tends to be reactive, driven by the build-up of frustration and anger, and results in interactions that harm relationships and make the situation worse rather than better.
4. Assertive Communication
Assertive communication is the most effective and healthy way to express anger and other emotions. When we’re assertive, we state our needs, feelings, and boundaries clearly and respectfully. Assertive communication isn’t about blaming others or shying away from our feelings—it’s about finding the balance between expressing ourselves honestly while also considering the perspective of the other person. Assertiveness allows us to release the air from our balloon in a steady, controlled way, ensuring that we don’t reach the point of “popping.” It’s direct, honest, and aligned with our values.
Learning how to be assertive, especially if you’ve spent years being passive or aggressive in your communication, can be challenging. It requires developing self-awareness, building confidence, and practicing new communication skills. This is where therapy can be a powerful tool.
Exploring Our Patterns and Needs in Therapy
In therapy, many women begin to uncover the deeply ingrained patterns that have shaped their relationship with anger and other emotions. Often, these patterns start in childhood, influenced by family dynamics, societal expectations, and cultural norms that teach women to prioritize others’ needs over their own.
Therapy offers a space to explore these early messages and how they impact us today. It allows women to reconnect with emotions they may have spent years suppressing and to gain insight into why they might react in passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive ways when their needs aren’t being met.
Through therapeutic work, you can start to recognize the moments when your figurative balloon is filling up. You can identify the triggers that contribute to your frustration, pinpoint unexpressed needs, and practice ways of releasing some of the air before it becomes too much. Therapy also provides tools for learning how to communicate assertively—expressing needs and emotions in a healthy, balanced way.
Therapy Intensives for Deeper Work
For those ready to dive even deeper into exploring their relationship with anger and unexpressed emotions, therapy intensives can be particularly beneficial. These are focused, immersive sessions that allow for deeper exploration of emotional patterns and behaviors in a condensed period. Intensives can offer breakthroughs that take much longer in traditional weekly therapy. Through these sessions, women can build a toolkit of self-awareness and communication strategies, empowering them to make lasting changes in how they handle their emotions.
Moving Forward: Releasing the Pressure
Ultimately, acknowledging our anger and expressing it assertively isn’t about becoming someone who constantly complains or gets into arguments. It’s about taking responsibility for our emotional well-being. It’s about recognizing when our balloon is getting too full and finding healthy ways to release the pressure before it becomes overwhelming.
Learning to express emotions, especially ones that we’ve been taught to suppress, takes time and practice. But with the right support, whether through ongoing therapy or a therapy intensive, we can change our relationship with anger. We can stop feeling out of control when emotions boil over, and instead, confidently express our needs and feelings in ways that are both honest and aligned with who we are. In doing so, we not only improve our mental and emotional health but also enhance our relationships and overall quality of life.
